Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.
Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.
"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."
Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:
A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate
The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation
A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")
Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A different put exactly where American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."
Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.
In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":
Ceasefires brokered by towel boys
Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders
A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
"This really is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."
What the Critics Are Screaming
Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."
Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"
Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."
Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.
Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.
"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.
The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features
Perhaps the strangest Trump Tower Damascus aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:
A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment
A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"
A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.
Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.
Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"
The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:
"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."
An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:
"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."
Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:
34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"
29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"
18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"
Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"
The project is by now attracting interest from Global investors, which include:
A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister
The Russian Guild of Oligarchs
And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."
Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also contain:
A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances
A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'
And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War
Comment Section Chaos
Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:
"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."
User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:
"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."
A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Influence
U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:
China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."
Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™
Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:
"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."